May 25th 2019. It started as any other day would, I woke up with the kids and had our normal morning routine, my husband was working the day shift that day so he wasn’t home. I planned to take the kids to the local Carnival so we all got dressed and out of the door we went. We visited my Mums first as it was close to where the Carnival was finishing which means that we could avoid the mad rush in town. The kids had a great time at Nanas house playing. The time was getting on so my sister and I walked to the seafront with the kids and we sat down on the road side blessed with beautiful weather that day. We had so much fun, took so many pictures and shared smiles to each other; just seeing the kids faces really did make my day, they didn’t know it but there uncle was in a bear mascot outfit, me and their auntie chuckled at my son who was scared and hid behind me and before we knew it the carnival was over, we decided too head outside of the cafe where the carnival ended to see if our brother was still there, but he had left for home.
My sisters phone rang and it was my Mums husband, all I remember seeing was my sister cover her mouth and tears roll down her cheeks, that’s the moment my heart sank.
It was the first time I hoped for a phone call saying that shanice had attempted suicide but she is in hospital- we got too her in time; this time was different.
My sister managed to tell me that Shanice died.
I dropped too my knees at this point, surrounded by everyone smiling and laughing but I couldn’t see or hear anybody I had two children in the double push chair and the older one by my side and I could barely breath, the panic attack started, my breathing irregular and quick, my chest so tight that I could barely stand.
As my body is shaking vigorously as I try to stand we slowly managed to make our way out of the centre of the crowd.
For a moment we were surrounded, my sister talked to them while I was unable to get a word out, after a moment I was able to get my phone out and call my husband who was working at the other end of the beach at an event- He answered to my cries “Shanice is Dead” he left work and we waited to be picked up the ice cream van next to us. It was the longest wait until he called back and said the traffic wasn’t moving.
That’s when we knew we had to struggle to walk back to my mums.
The panic attacks are still coming in hard and fast, in waves as we walk back. Everyone just staring but walking past, everyone’s lives still going by whilst mine seems to have come to a sharp halt.
As I go through the front door of my Mums House the first thing I done was run to each and every one of my family hugging, kissing and saying I love you; we were all in pieces, lost for words and shocked. My Mum thought the police came round to say her Husband was in a accident but she got the worse news off all.
Shanice Ended her life in the early hours off the morning on May 25th 2019. Although she had struggled in the past with suicide attempts after a year and a half we thought our worries were over.
Almost finished her driving lessons, got engaged, travelled too Europe and started to seem happy with the life she had built again. We were wrong.
The only problem with suicide is that it leaves us with so many unanswered questions, and the inability to grieve, the constant thoughts of what could I have done, the guilt of not spending more time together and the sudden loss of life.
To my baby sister- I will miss you always and you are in my thoughts every day.
Shannon’s Blog 